How To Solve Relationship Problems: 4 Recent Secrets From Research | Mamoona Ghaffar
1. Start Discussions Gently
Seriously, if you don’t want your partner to get defensive and angry then, quite simply, don’t begin a discussion in a way that would make any person defensive and angry.
Complaining about a specific problem or behavior is totally okay. (“When you’re late, it makes me feel like I’m not important to you.”) But criticizing is when you present the issue as a defect in your partner. (“You’re just selfish!”)
Telling someone you don’t like their behavior is appropriate and necessary. Accusing them of being a demon spawn succubus forged from an unholy pact in the darkest pits of the netherworld is, shall we say, less-than-constructive.
Focus on the problem, not the person. And be gentle. Even if you are right, being self-righteous doesn’t help.
2. Stay Calm
I know, easier said than done. But this is huge. The ability to stay physically calm during conflict showed the biggest correlation with relationship happiness of anything.
When things get emotional, your heart starts racing, the cortisol and adrenalin start pumping and this leads to a cascade of negative effects you can’t control. You have trouble listening, empathizing, and problem-solving. Gottman calls it “diffuse physiological arousal.”
3. Stay Positive
The ratio of positive to negative affect during the conflict in stable relationships is 5:1.
Even in the midst of arguments, successful couples frequently sprinkled in positive statements like: “Good point”, “Say more about how you feel and what you need”, and “If that’s important to you let’s find a way to make that happen.”
4. Accept Influence
Don’t deny your partner’s feelings and try to shut them up. Hear them out.
That doesn’t mean “just continue nodding until the words finally stop coming out of their face.” It means to pay attention and consider what they’re saying.
Sum Up
This is how to solve relationship problems:
• Start gently: Complain but don’t criticize. Focus on the problem, not the person.
• Stay calm: When your pulse goes up, happiness goes down.
• Stay positive: “Five To One” isn’t just a song by The Doors; it’s also the key to a happy relationship.
- Accept influence: Really listening to your partner’s needs.
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How To Solve Relationship Problems: 4 Recent Secrets From Research | Mamoona Ghaffar
